Emplyee Manual Ideas
Issue #36
December 10, 2007
An effective employee manual should clearly communicate employee rights and responsibilities while not creating an employment contract. We have had the opportunity to review many manuals in the course of consulting on risk management issues, giving us the opportunity to see examples of those that are good and those that are not.
For the fun of it, we thought of wording to spice up an employee manual. Here are some of our ideas:
OSHA anticipates this clarification will lead to greater compliance, resulting in the potential avoidance of thousands of workplace injuries each year. While many employers currently pay for protective equipment, the final rule must be implemented by May 15, 2008.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Parada sneakers, and carrying a Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, then you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
BEREAVMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture of you will be taken. After the second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!